A new way forward?

Those who know me will know that I have battled with the demon addiction that is nicotine.

Now don’t get me wrong im no slouch when it comes to smoking, I generally quit every year and I am in no real way addicted to the actual act of smoking. The last time I quit was 3 years ago and I finally picked up cigarettes just before last Christmas.

This is my problem.

I started really smoking at around 12 years old. I did smoke before that but I wasn’t really addicted.

Because of this I have managed to grow up and all of the lessons, trials and tribulations I have gone through and dealt with have all been with cigarettes to use as a crutch. As a direct result of this I have no coping mechanism without nicotine.

It’s a strange situation to find yourself in. I can quit cigarettes, and I can kick the habit. I can even get to the point where the thought of a cigarette wont cross my mind for months. I can do all of these things at the drop of a hat. Quitting is easy once you have done it once. You know the benefits and it makes the process less frightening.

Here is the crutch. Without cigarettes I find myself much dimmer. My mind isn’t so good. I cant be as imaginative as I am with nicotine. I have a shorter attention span, I become moody and listless. Some people say that they cant deal with stress as well as before they quit. Well I just can’t do it full stop. The worst thing is that my Zest for life becomes dulled. I have lots of energy (the body is renewed after quitting and its an amazing feeling) but no motivation, and worst of all I found myself retreating into myself.

It took me a long time to discover why.

Because I have smoked for so long I have developed certain rules and behavioural stimuli for dealing with issues and problems that arise on a daily basis. Most of these seem to be in some way affected by the nicotine addiction that I have. Without nicotine – none of my coping methods seem to be as affective as before.

So, what to do?

I need to not smoke. It makes me ill, I feel like im dying. It scares the hell out of me and I despise it at all costs. I know the quality of life that not smoking brings (not including the listlessness etc) and I need to not be ill every day.

But.

I also need to be able to cope with every day life. I cant be an asshole all my days and smoking genuinely makes me a nicer person. So I have developed a plan…

Im going to get one of these……

Basically its an electric cigarette. Ive had one of these before but nowhere near this useful and I must admit they are brilliant. All of that nicotiney goodness without the impending death. They are totally healthy and smoke just like a real fagerette. This will hopefully allow me to carry on with my habit without all of the side affects associated with smoking real ciggies.

Watch this space, you should hopefully see a new healthy Jamie, that this time wont be a complete tosser :P

Be good all.

Blood sweat and tears

Hello there again.

Again I was at a loss ot what to write this time but an idea hit me, I thought I would introduce you to my most sacred object.

Now there are few things that you would rescue from a fire, after the wife and the kids (obviously) There are those things that rush through your mind that you wish you could save. Photos, memory boxes, ornaments etc.

If the house ever caught fire, this is the only thing I would even consider running through flames to collect.

Meet my best friend in the whole world:

What your looking at is my Artisan Acoustic guitar. Its not a particularly expensive guitar, but its all mine. I was given this guitar by my wife about 8 years ago and I have never loved a belonging as much as I do this guitar.

Now don’t get me wrong, I aint no guitarist, in fact I probably only know about a dozen songs and most of them aren’t mainstream, but I am what I like to call a plinker. I play what I feel at the time and it comes from the heart. I know probably ten different styles of music, from soft Latin to the very biggest country boom and I feel every note and it changes with my mood.

If I am sad, I play my guitar, if I am happy, I play, if im bored, I play. This one piece of wood and metal has probably seen more reflected energy than anything I have ever owned.

I do try to write songs and I have written a couple that I feel even pass for music. Some of them are sad and others happy, the result is that I have literally poured blood sweat and tears into it. This guitar knows more about me than anything ever could. :P

Its funny how a simple object can change a person so much. This little thing is a safe place for me in times of crisis. It’s a place I can go when im stressed, it’s a retreat in times of sadness, and its something I can literally beat the hell out of when im angry. My wonderful family can tell my mood simply by listening to me play.

But now I am on a new journey. I have the blues. Yes the Blues. After many years of searching I finally found a style of music than can be everything I ever wanted it to be. The blues can be sad, lonely, or uplifting and unbelievably crazy. It’s a style of music than runs through every other style of music in western culture from Dance to heavy Metal. The best thing about blues is like Jazz – its always different. It’s a living thing and it changes from second to second.

I told my wonderful other half this and this was the result:

Its an exact replica of Clapton’s “Blackie” Fender Strat. Again it wasn’t expensive but it sounds beautiful. And im sure that in time I will be able to make it cry.

But before that can happen – I need to start a journey. As of about 3 months ago I vowed to start learning to play properly, and slowly but surely I am getting there.

I try to practice whenever I can and im sure i drive Lynn nuts by playing endless blues scales at all hours. She just smiles and tells me she likes it. (strange) I am now told off if i take them out of the living room where they are always kept now.

Sure it will take a long time and ill never be as good as other guitarists. I cant read music for a start, my genetic code decided to make me dyslexic so im essentially blind to music sheet, but I was gifted with a good ear, so I generally don’t care about it.

So, there you have it. You have met my guitars. (well my main ones I have 4 of them)

Perhaps I will one day even be good enough to get on a stage and try to play like one of the all time greats. BB King, or Eric Clapton. Or even with years and years of dedication the great Brian May. Who can tell.

Lynn, I thank you from the bottom of my very greatful heart for my Guitars. You are and always will be – my life.

PS – I do share!

Life the universe and everything.

A deep one this time.  

My name is James Kinloch and I have been alive for 11 years and 3 months.

A pretty weird statement you might all agree but a truthful one none the less. My first life ended on the 11^th of November 1999. At just after midnight after being rushed into hospital and into an emergency theatre.

I came round in an HDU hooked up to a dozen machines and my first thought was disappointment that I wasn’t still dead. Weird I know but I explain it later. Being not alive probably one of the most restful things I have ever experienced – and yes I did experience it.

Im not going to talk about how amazing life is now that im on life 2 or how I have changed my philosophy of life, or even how much more I give to others, because frankly I don’t lead that kind of life, but I can maybe give a little bit of peace to some.

You see dying is not the colossal final act that you think it is. There is no fanfare, no terrifying finale, its just, well, nice.

Ok ill explain a little better, Mothers will get this better than men. Its 2 am, you have spent the last 12 hours in labour, your completely knackered and I mean at the absolute end, cream crackered and all you want is blessed rest. You close your eyes, let out a sigh and finally after soooo long fall asleep.

Well, that’s the same as dying.

There are no thoughts of your own mortality, no last minute what ifs and absolutely no fear what so ever, even if just a few short moments ago you where in agony. Its just – relief and calm. Its not the big and scary event that you pictured at all, nope its just the same as wanting to sleep.

Near death experiences normally have the same saintly results. People who where once possessive and materially based become generous and talk about “not needing it really”. They also site the root of all evil being money and how they are now reborn Christians and devout believers.

Bollocks to that.

I like possessions, and I know I cant take them with me – so, I want to enjoy stuff while I can. Money is not the root of all evil, greed is, and that’s the truth. I don’t have money, I have no real need for it. My wife pays the bills and sorts out all of the finances and I get what I need. Im happy with that and so all is well.

Dont get me wrong, my dad says that “Money does not buy happiness, but it least you will be miserable in comfort”. I think I can handle that!

But here is what I did learn.

The people in your life are the most important things in the world. Yeah its nice to have shiny things, and its nice to be successful, but real worth is measured not in your estate, but by how much you have changed the lives of those around you.

Look at your self right now… Go to a mirror and ask yourself just how many people will remember you when your dead? How many people will tell a story about you? How many will pass on a little nugget of information to someone else that you gave to them? How many will really, really care.I know that my kids will miss me, i have done everything in my power to give them the lessons and learning thet need to live a full life. This is way more important than a pony and a new car.

Being alive is not about your own success, its not about being rich, or famous, its not even about having a mortgage and feeding your family. Being alive is about passing something of yourself to others, its about helping other souls find their way and giving them the tools to help others. 

If you can make just one single human being want to be like you (for the right reasons) then your living a real life.

Life is not about the path you follow,

Its about the people you touch along the way.   

Communication

Well this should be an interesting one, and it deals with the wonderful gift of communication. So many people ask my wife and I why we don’t argue and we reply that its because we are so close, or that we are tuned so well together that there is no need. We have even joked that its because we don’t care about each others problems. But the simple truth is that its because we communicate.

You know that feeling you get when you sense that something is wrong with your partner. We will call it intuition, but you know what I mean. The feeling you get when a hundred little things seem different but you cant quite put your finger in what it is. Perhaps the atmosphere is not quite the same, or stress is in the air. At this point most people sill start questioning the reasons, perhaps something has happened? Perhaps ive done something wrong? Maybe I have forgotten something?

Now it is at this stage that little differences make drastic changes. If you feel that something is “off normal” with your partner – ask them what’s wrong! Well that’s easy enough isn’t it? You where thinking “Shit I do that already!” Yes you probably do, but do you get a reply?

When your partner approaches you and asks do you tell them what’s wrong and risk an argument? Or do you say “Nothing” and carry on as you where?

Well the secret to an argument free relationship is no NEVER say “Nothing” unless you mean it. If you have an issue – get it out in the open as soon as possible. Why? Because that way it wont sit inside and fester until it becomes a huge problem, and if your not raging when you first say it, guess what? No argument.

Sure there will be the odd issue that needs to be kept to yourself because its from outside the home (a secret told to you by a friend for example) and cant be discussed, but still find a way to reassure them that its not them that’s at fault.

That’s it – simples. Try it, you never know….

5 minute poem

Decided to sit and write a random 5 minute poem. 

Ive called it. 

Cuppa

I sit alone here at night, pouring over these words I write,

Who would have known you would come to me,

The whole world stops, for a cup of Tea.

The words dance on the page, like memories from a different age,

And still the comfort that comes to me,

is delivered by a cup of tea.

My babies birth and my first fight, my mothers passing and the endless night,

Memories so clear to see,

all come back with a cup of tea.

The times I cried with all my heart, my life confused, back to the start.

And all those times that I had to flee,

come rushing back with a cup of tea.

But then that’s just the bad thoughts, don’t think of these, I was taught,

Just think how nice life could be,

and relax with a cup of tea.

And now I set here and a smile, I think ill just chill a while.

Life is good and I am free,

because I have my cup of tea. 

I know its silly, but it made me giggle.

Where is the trust? I ask you!

Ok, so I said that this blog was going to read like a diary, this means that you will be subjected to ups – downs and the odd random thingymijig.

So this week has been a strange one, its felt a little like swimming through treacle. Lots of energy has been expended but I haven’t really got anywhere.

Im not entirely sure why. I was a little worried about my health as I was getting some mahoosive nosebleeds but the Dr confirmed my worst fears, looks like nothing is wrong and you will all just have to put up with me for a little longer.

Anyway, back to the blog!

I was talking to my youngest the other day about her social life and how she feels liberated because she has her mobile phone and now can go to parties and we can trust her because we can “contact her whenever we like.”

That got me thinking a little bit, where I come from we where very deprived, the place was a dive and none of the parents of the kids that I knew had a job or even an above breadline income. Don’t go awwww, we didn’t know the difference. We knew that other people had money, but didn’t really experience it.

The result of this was that only 2 or my circle of friend even had a telephone installed, and if we wanted to speak to them we had to use a phone box. Where is this leading? I hear you ask, there is a point and ill get to it.

So when I said “Im off to Graham’s, ill be back in a bit” to my mother, the reply was “OK son!” and with that I made my way out to do whatever. She wouldn’t give it a second thought.

The interesting thing is that she trusted me totally, there was never any doubt about my whereabouts or who I was with, she simply trusted me to be ok. If she needed me, she would open the big window in the living room and holler her ass off. (all mums did this, it didn’t bother anyone.) Often we would be told “Stay within shouting distance, (which was probably about a mile!) And ill call you in for your tea”.

Eventually I would hear her and come home.

If I wasn’t called home I would roll in several hours later to a welcome and a smile – not a “where have you been young man?” she just had to take it as read that I was ok and I didn’t get up to anything.

So what happened?

We have mobile phones now, we can contact our kids whenever we please. It takes a split second to sling a message across the sky and they can reply from any location in an instant. Kids typically don’t wander any further than they did before and certainly don’t get into any more trouble than we did. CCTV cameras are everywhere, mobiles can be checked. And a ring round can reveal a Childs location within 10 or so minutes.

But still even with this technology, why do we feel like we have to keep our children in a box and only let them out when we are absolutely positively sure that its safe? The truth is that even with this technology, kids have never been this imprisoned. Stuck inside, physiologically locked in rooms in our houses and told that the world will eat them if they ever go out by themselves.

So what changed? What made the trust go away? Why do we buy our kids games consoles to prevent them form being in the world?

Ill tell you why, because we as a people no longer trust each other.

When I was 8 I would leave the house and several things would happen. Firstly my mum was confident in the people around us. The “Adults” that lived in the area we lived in would actively watch to make sure that kids where behaving, and the parents expected it! If I was caught trying to set a bin on fire by a stranger I would expect a good twatting for it. But for the same token if I was in trouble I could rely on the help of a stranger to save me. Many times while being chased by a few lads or whatever I could round a corner, see a random person and ask for their help, and I could trust to get it.

Now no one wants to trust anyone else, if a young person asks for my help, my first instinct is not to help without hesitation, its usually to perform a quick risk assessment based on their Age, sex, clothing type, general demeanour, and lastly whether or not they might actually be in danger, and I know that im not the only one that thinks like that.  

Why are we scared for our kids? Because the community we used to trust, no longer exists. Parents no longer trust other parents, adults don’t trust the kids them selves, and the kids are taught from a VERY early age that unless you know a person they are NEVER to be trusted. Even the authorities are not to be trusted, I fear them as a parent, I know they are watching me, checking that im bringing my kids up according to their socially and politically correct guidelines and making sure that they are happy at all times. Parents don’t even trust themselves any more.

The funny thing is, the community and all of those people are the same, it’s the same mums and dads, the same kids and the same problems exist. The world is NOT full of monsters and it WONT eat you.

But why should you believe me?

You wont, because you don’t trust me.

First post

Well here we go, i finally decided to get me a blog. Why, well i don’t know really, i like reading other peoples blogs and i figured that someone out there in blog land might fancy reading mine.

Sooo what is there to say about me, well im Scottish, in fact i was born in Glasgow and raised in Dundee. I moved to Somerset to be with my wife in 02 and have been here ever since. I have three wonderful daughters of which i am very proud. Ok im 34 (as i write this), i love all things - almost literally. I am in fact an allnivore (<--i coined that.) Which means that i like EVERYTHING, in my whole life i have not found anything or anyone that isnt interesting in some way.
 I have one of those minds that need to be kept active and stimulated or i become depressed. I must keep learning.

Because of the above i dont have any actual interests, i simply float from one thing to another learning and absorbing as much as i can along the way. I then return to something when a little inspiration comes along. So far i have been to college no less than 5 times, i say no less because im not really sure because i lost count. :)
My main interests this year where:

1        My flight simulator, I have a full size KA-50 simulator which I built myself.

2        The bar, I just had to have the bar fitted out with the real deal, pumps and coolers etc.

3        Web design, a hobby which has sort of become a job.

4        Music, my beloved guitar and myself have become good friends again.

5        Model boating. Im building a radio controlled model yacht, I find this intesting because there is so much in the way of mathematics involved, its not like other boats where you build it and stick it in water and it goes. Weight and balance need to be accounted for, as does air pressure, sail area, resistance etc. More like building a model plane to be honest.

6        Electronics, I have been building a few little electronic gizmos to help myself later with a new project.

7        Reading, gotta love a good book.

8        Music – all kinds I have no real favourite, but I am into a lot of blues at the moment. The only music I dislike is the cheesier British RnB that’s coming out. Snoop, I can see with bitches and millions. Even Marshal Mathers I can see in a Bently with some hot totty, but N-Dubz? Well as far as I am concerned I will never see them in my head anywhere but in a council house in Luton, I don’t care how rich they get!

9        Carpentry – rebuilt the living room.

10    The internet – I spend hours and hours and hours just reading – well….everything. So much info, it’s great. Sometimes I feel like jonnie 5 “Input…..More, Input…….”

11    Spiritualism, this has never really left me, I used to go to church in scotland, but this year I finally got the balls to return. I shall blog about this later though. 

But that isn’t all, out of the main items I have listed above my main area of interest is without a doubt People. I cant get enough of them, so much so that Im going to give this its own paragraph.

Ok, so let me explain, people are all different and unique, which makes them fascinating, as soon as I meet a person I want to find out everything about them, I love hearing them speak, and rooted to the spot when they talk and just have to know all about them. Now I don’t mean that in a weird way – I wont stare at you in a mad open eyed drooling frenzy. You might just find that I ask a few more questions than a normal person, and wont walk away half way through a conversation. I am actually quite a shy person and over the years have found that by sharing my life with others, they might share a little of their life with me…. This suits me down to the ground. The difficult part of this kind of interaction is learning to be interesting enough for someone to want to talk to and not become that mad bastard at the bus stop who talks endlessly about some inane shit you cant be bothered hearing.

So what is the purpose of this blog? Well after watching Dougie Howser MD as a kid, I figured it would be a nice idea to keep a diary as such, I wont write every day but ill try for a couple of times a week. Perhaps you might develop an idea of who I am.